I Hate Myself For Loving You
by Faded Galaxia
Summary: "In four weeks, we went from enemies, to friends, to something so intense and intoxicating and confusing that I could barely stand it, to absolutely nothing. It was as if we never knew each other." - Izzy/Joe - Koushiro/Jyou - T for mention of heavy topics and an all around incredibly dysfunctional relationship
1. Part One

**A/N:**** Hello everyone! So I have emerged from the shadows of my Izzy/OC story to bring you…well…another Izzy story! This one popped up after I had a dream about Izzy and Mr. Kido being in an extremely messed up relationship. I wish I could translate just how much of an ass Izzy was in this dream into words. I gave it my best.**

**Try not to hate him at the end of this, okay? HE'S WONDERFUL. IZZY IS THE BEST.**

* * *

This is the story of how I fell in love with my worst enemy.

* * *

Even though I was two years older than him, he was the bane of my existence. Every day of the past two years, sharing the large hallways with him was my own private nightmare. Something was wrong with me every school day.

_"Look at Jyou, trying to be a doctor. Watch, he'll fail the next biology test, just like he's failed every other one."_

_ "Did you hear? Jyou passed out while dissecting the frog last year. He wants to be a doctor, but he can't handle a frog!"_

_ "Oh, sorry," he would say after flipping my books out of my hands, "it looks like you dropped something. Have fun picking those up."_

_ "Sorry about Mimi, Jyou. Looks like you're not good enough for her."_

I rested my head against my locker door. I carried so much bitterness, anger, and hatred toward that stupid short redhead. It was always me; it had always been me. It made no sense. What did I do to him?

"Hey." My muscles tensed. I squeezed my eyes shut. Oh no. Couldn't there be one day when he left me alone? "What's with the vest?"

"It's cold outside," I muttered, opening my eyes but not looking at him.

He cupped his ear mockingly. "What? I didn't hear what you said."

"I said it's cold outside."

He crossed his arms, raising his eyebrows. "Hmm. Doesn't excuse…" He pointed at me up and down. "Whatever that is. What do you think, Taichi?" He looked over at the tall boy with the bushy hair next to him. When Taichi wasn't around him, he was okay with me. We had always been okay with each other. But, whenever_ he_ was around, Taichi agreed with everything that was said while flashing me his sad, brown eyes.

"Horrible," Taichi replied. They both started laughing. I turned around and walked away, ignoring the insults that they were shouting at me.

There was one thing for certain.

I hated Izumi Koushiro with every atom in my body.

* * *

"Joseph." Miyako put her hand on my shoulder. We were sitting in her living room, watching TV, trying to ignore the sounds of her siblings wrestling in the other room. Ever since she got back from America, she decided to call me 'Joseph'. Koushiro latched onto that one real quick, even going so far as to accuse me of being interested in Miyako. Two issues with that; one, Miyako was several years younger than me, and was basically my sister, and two, she knew I was not interested in women whatsoever. The only reason I had even asked Mimi to our honors banquet last year was as a cover up. She knew why I was doing it, but had already agreed to go with Koushiro, so I went by myself. Of course, he quietly mocked me while he had his arm around her, sending taunts and insults my way.

"Miyako," I said, not looking at her, my head in my hands.

"Why is he like this with you? It's like every day we talk, he has something else negative to say about you."

"I don't know," I replied, not sure what else to say. "I don't know."

She sighed, tucking some of her lavender hair behind her ears and adjusting her humongous glasses. "There has to be something."

"I've thought about it for so long…I come up with nothing."

"When did you two meet again?"

I sighed. "Grade school." Shaking my head, I took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes. "Year 4 for him, 6 for me. We actually used to be friends." I paused, memories flooding my brain. There was so much I could tell her about that time, but I always chose to leave it in the past. "We lost touch when I went to high school, so I was excited to see him when he came in. But, when I saw him, he was…well…he was different. He was how he is now toward me. I don't understand it."

"And this has been going on for…?"

"Two years."

She rubbed my back. "You're going to graduate in a month. You'll be going to university, away from high school, away from him. It will all be over soon."

I rested my head on her shoulder. "I don't know what happened in those two years. It's like…he changed. It all changed. I didn't understand it. I still don't."

She petted my hair, kissing me on top of the head. "Hang in there, Jyou. It will be over soon."

"I sure hope so."

* * *

I wandered through the halls after school, alone, like I tended to do. Even though I had a car, and felt like leaving and driving for an eternity, I didn't leave. Computer club was going on. I had been a top member for two years, until Koushiro showed up. He was better than me, and he knew it. He drove me out; made me quit one of the few things I actually enjoyed doing. Mr. Fujiama didn't understand why I left. None of the teachers did.

None of the students did, either. Mimi only talked to me out of pity. It seemed my only friend anymore was Miyako, and she was so much younger than I was. It was as if everyone was blind to who Koushiro was and how he treated them. Namely me, but he was horrible to others as well. I hated the way he treated Yamato and Sora, and especially how he talked down to Mimi like she was nothing. Didn't our history together mean anything?

I was graduating in a month. It shouldn't matter anymore. I sat down on a bench overlooking the gym below, resting my chin on my hand. I was on to bigger and better things - university, med school, becoming a doctor. Was it really what I wanted to do? Not necessarily, but I didn't even know what I would have wanted to do if not becoming a doctor. My whole school career was centered on that goal, so nothing made more sense than that path.

Hearing footsteps behind me, I turned, only to see a flash of red hair. I sighed, looking back over the gym. "Koushiro, please. Let me be." His footsteps stopped. I waited for a few seconds, hands clenched, waiting for him to say something. Nothing. I looked over my shoulder at him. He was just staring, black eyes focused directly on my own. I adjusted my glasses and looked away. The staring was making me uncomfortable.

"What?" I asked flatly.

"Jyou…" He started, clearing his throat. "I…"

I set my jaw. He sighed, taking his leave down the hallway. Running my hands through my hair, I started breathing heavily. Slight asthma attack. Nothing to be concerned about. Suck it up, Jyou. No big deal.

After a few minutes, I got it under control. I looked down at my watch. '4:36.' I sighed. I should probably go. Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I exited the building. I soon heard running footsteps behind me.

"Please, leave me alone," I said loudly, hoping they would hear me. They stopped. I smiled, but it was short-lived, because they picked back up. Soon enough, they were right next to me. I knew it was he; I could smell that familiar mountain spring smell. His mom hadn't changed the detergent they used since we were kids. His entire apartment always smelled of it. "I really don't want to deal with you right now."

He got in front of me, making me stop in my tracks. We stared each other down, my eyes big, his eyes squinting.

Koushiro was at least 4 inches shorter than me, but I was still intimidated beyond belief. I knew he was more fit than I was, as he had taken up playing soccer with Taichi after school. He could take me, I was sure of it.

"Why are you still here?" He asked. I looked away. "No, look at me." I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I turned back to him.

"I…I didn't feel like going home quite yet."

"Why not?"

"Please, Koushiro, just let me go," I pleaded. It was pathetic, sure, but I knew what he was capable of. Plus, I didn't understand what this was all about. "I don't understand what you want."

"I don't, either." He said flatly. My eyebrows went together. "I just…got this feeling from you today. It was like you used to be, back when…" He coughed a little. "That's why I left you alone today. I wanted to see if everything was…you know…okay."

I stared at him. I could not believe he would even mention anything about the past, especially not that time in my life. "How dare you."

"Excuse me?"

"You have tortured me, insulted me, and basically made my life miserable for the past two years. I don't know what has happened to you. We used to be friends. We used to be…everything was fine. And then I leave, and you turned into…" I gestured up and down. "You. How dare you even pretend to be concerned about me? After everything you've done? Everything you've become?" I was becoming very worked up. My cheeks were warming up. I didn't like to get mad, but when it happened, I tended to say everything that was on my mind without a filter. "You make me dread waking up in the morning. You are the reason why I can't wait to get out of this hellhole. You are the whole reason why I have to run into the bathroom at times during the day to scream." I stopped, catching my breath. "I hate you, Koushiro. Now please, let me leave in peace."

He looked shocked by my tirade. I stared at him for a few more seconds, and then turned around and walked off to my car. I looked in my rearview mirror as I drove off. He was still standing in that same spot. He looked shocked and confused.

Clutching tightly to my steering wheel, I felt a tear fall down my cheek. I wiped it away. Embarrassing. Why cry over this?

Why cry over him?

* * *

_I held his cheeks in my hands. Tears flowed freely from his bloodshot eyes. It looked like he had been crying for hours. He probably had been. Izzy had always been very emotional when it came to his friends. He believed them to be his family. His parents loved him very much, and he did the same, but the fact that they weren't his biological parents always ate away at him. He was always very loyal to the ones he trusted._

_ "Izzy, please," I said through my own developing tears. "It will be all right. You can come over whenever you like. You know you're always welcomed in my home. Our parents have already made trade-off driving arrangements."_

_ He sniffed. "I know, but Jyou…I won't see you every day. I've grown used to that."_

_ I touched my forehead to his. "I know. I have, too. But I have to leave. It's just…it's unfair, but it's how it is." I pulled him into a hug, burying my nose into his puff of hair. He cried quietly into my shoulder. I rubbed his back, holding him tighter. "Izzy…"_

_ "You're my best friend, Jyou. I can't lose you."_

_ "And you won't. I'll always be here. Always."_

* * *

My mom knocked on my door, starting me awake. Wuthering Heights was open on my stomach. I had to read it – in English, of course – for my English language class. I was all right with English, but I was sure it would be taxing, even for someone who was fluent. Every time I tried to read it, I fell asleep.

"Jyou, someone's on the phone for you."

For me? No one called the house phone anymore. Anyone who wanted to get a hold of me called my cell phone. "Who is it?"

"I don't know. It's awfully late for someone to be calling you, isn't it?" She sounded tired. I looked over at my alarm clock. '11:46.' No wonder.

I rolled out of bed and opened my door, taking the phone from her. "Night, mom," I said, closing the door. I lay back down. "Hello?"

Silence. I waited a few seconds. "H-hello? Is anyone there?"

"Why?" I heard, barely above a whisper.

This was creepy. "Who is this?"

"Why did you forget me, Jyou?" I heard the person gulp. They were drinking.

That voice…

Oh God.

"Koushiro? Are you drunk?"

"Raided the liquor cabinet," he slurred. "I picked up the phone and dialed the number I remembered. I didn't even remember it. My fingers just dialed it."

I sighed. Tears pricked my eyes. "Why are you calling me?"

"Why did you forget me?"

"I didn't forget…what are you talking about?"

"You left." He sniffed obnoxiously. "You left and you forgot about me. Now you're going to leave again and forget about me all together, because that's what you want, isn't it?" His voice was elevating in volume. "That's always what you've wanted. Just to forget me."

"Koushiro, calm down. You're the one who forgot me, remember?" I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself down.

Silence again. Click. Dial tone. I held the phone to my ear for a bit, then pushed the 'end' button. I held it to my chest and let the tears flow.

* * *

Koushiro's eyes were half open and blood shot the following day. It looked like he was having one hell of a hangover. I wasn't surprised, though. He sounded awful the night before.

I grabbed my books from my locker, heading to my first class early, like I always did. I didn't like being in the hallways. He tended to get to me in the hallways. I didn't want to deal with him - especially not after our phone conversation.

"Jyou." I kept walking. "Jyou." Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. "Kido Jyou, stop walking away from me."

"Why?" I said as I continued to walk. The warning bell rang, and all of the other students filed into their respective classrooms. All of the doors closed. It was only the two of us now.

"Because. I need to talk to you."

I stopped and turned around, clutching my books to my middle. Koushiro really looked horrible. He walked up to me. He had to look up so far to match my eyes. It would have actually been comical, had I not been completely terrified.

"What do you want?" I said, glaring as best I could.

"I want to…" He gulped. "Apologize."

"For what? There is so much." My voice dripped with bitterness.

Koushiro opened his mouth, but then closed it. He looked down at his feet. "For all of it," he said softly.

I stared at him, frozen from shock. "What?"

"I'm sorry, Jyou. For everything." He looked up. "Can we...you know...talk?"

The bell rang. School had begun. We both looked up, knowing we were tardy. "I'm never tardy," I said.

"Me either."

Even though I hated him, even though my blood boiled thinking about him, and even though I knew I shouldn't give him the time of day, something in the back of my mind was urging me to say we could talk. Lonely 12-year-old Jyou was pushing me to talk to the shy 10-year-old Koushiro, just like he decided to do all of those years ago. Something beautiful once grew from that.

'But, look how it is now,' I fought with myself. 'Look what he's become. He's nothing. You don't owe him anything.'

He looked at me with pleading eyes. Maybe he was really serious about this. "Are you suggesting we-?"

"Cut class?" He interrupted. He looked around the hallway. Empty. "Possibly."

"Koushiro…"

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I know you don't owe me anything…I don't…you don't need to, I guess. It's okay." He started walking down the hall toward what I assumed his first class. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes.

"Stop."

He stopped.

I hated myself. "Where should we go?"

He waved me to follow him. "I know a good place. Come with me."

* * *

_"Jyou?" I heard Izzy's high voice calling from my doorway. I knew he was worried, wondering why I had missed school that day. I continued to rock a bit in my closet. My parents couldn't get me out of there. It was my safe place – it always was when Shin came home. I hated it when he came home. I knew when he came home he would want to play his favorite game with me. He always did. He added a new rule last night. It was the worst one yet. I didn't like it, but he didn't care. Shin was much older than me, and so much stronger. _

_I never won._

_ "Jyou, please…" His shoes plodded on our hardwood floor. I closed my eyes. He was so worried he didn't even take off his shoes. Mom would have a fit if he scuffed up the floor. He was leaning up against my doorway. "I'm here. Can I come in?"_

_ I sniffed, rubbing my nose on my arm. I didn't want him to see me like this. My glasses were off somewhere, and my hair was messy. He didn't need to know about this. He didn't need to know about me. He was 10, how could he understand?_

_ Light suddenly flooded my eyes. I put a hand up to block it, but he put it down, pulling me into a tight hug. I returned the hug, curtly at first. My friends – if you could really call them that - and I didn't hug. It was foreign and unusual to me…and kind of nice. I tightened my grip on him. My inner self let go._

_ I could be free with Izzy. Maybe he could help me._

* * *

I moved a tree branch up to crawl into a little clearing behind the school. I had never seen it before; it didn't surprise me, though, being as it looked like a small grouping of hedges covered by trees. Enough sunlight peeked through the budding leaves to make me feel like I wasn't completely cut off from the world with my worst enemy, but it was still strange. I didn't know what I was doing, or why I was even willing to listen to what he had to say.

"Sit," he said, pointing to a soft looking patch of grass. I obliged, sitting cross-legged. He sat down next to me. We both absentmindedly ran our hands over the grass, feeling the tips of it. He once told me the smell of grass made him oddly nervous. I wondered if that was still the case. Grass just made me sneeze.

"Okay, Koushiro," I said, breaking the painful silence. "What is it that you want?"

"You're graduating," he said softly. My eyes shifted around. I adjusted my glasses, nodding.

"Yes, I am."

"I don't like it."

"Why do you care?"

"Because I-" He started angrily, but collected himself. "Because, Jyou, I fucked up, and now I can't fix it."

I scoffed. "You just now realized this?"

He rubbed his eyes. "No, not just now…well, kind of…not really…I don't know."

"This is the least coherent I think I have ever heard you say, Koushiro."

He breathed deeply, letting it out slowly. "Why don't you call me Izzy anymore?"

"I don't know you anymore. Doesn't seem right to call someone by a nickname you made up when you don't know them any longer." He started coughing, like his breath caught in his throat. "What? It's the truth."

What I didn't want to admit to him was that Koushiro felt strange every time it came out of my mouth. It didn't fit him – it was his given name, but it wasn't him. Izzy fit him much better – smart, but funny, light-hearted, childlike. At least, it used to fit him. I wasn't sure if it did any longer.

"Am I too late?"

"For what?"

His black eyes made him look manic. It was eerie. "To be someone in your life again. Am I too late?"

"What do you want from me?"

"Things to be what they used to be." Koushiro sighed. "Maybe not quite what they used to be…that would be hard to do…considering…"

I shook my head. "We were babies. We didn't know what we were doing."

Hurt took over his face. "I did."

Silence. I took my glasses and rubbed my now wet eyes. It was no secret that he liked Mimi. He had been chasing after her since he came to high school. How we used to be was experimenting. He went one way, and I went the other. Simple as that. I learned that the first day of my 11th year, when he darted his eyes, not even acknowledging that he saw me.

"How could you say that?" I asked, in disbelief. My mind was swirling.

"I've known since I was 10 years old, Jyou. You reached out your hand to me, I took it, and I knew."

"Then why-"

He ripped a bunch of grass up from the ground. "I hated you for leaving. I knew you had to, and that it wasn't your fault, but you left, and I was alone. You were my only friend." He paused. "You were my everything. I wouldn't leave the house all summer. I became even more wrapped up in my computer. That was the summer I learned English. My parents stuck me in therapy. They said it was to help me cope. I think they just wanted me out of the house." I looked down at the ground. "Something came over me. I grew bitter and angry and reclusive. I treated everyone at school like I've been treating you. I was sent to the office numerous times. Almost got expelled, but they kept me in because I kept the school's test scores above average." He laughed. "Then, I came here and saw you the first day, and I made it my mission to make you pay."

"I called you, though. Numerous times. Your parents always said you didn't want to talk to me. So, I gave up. I stopped trying." My voice dropped down. "I never forgot you. I was looking forward to seeing you again. I never expected you to want to make my life hell."

He put his head in his hands. "My therapist has been telling me to talk to you for years. She hasn't stopped. I think she hates our hour together because of the way I've gone on without attempting to fix anything."

"How long have you been thinking about this?"

He laughed softly. "A while. Nearly a year. I've never found a right time."

I lay back on the grass, closing my eyes. We sat in silence for what seemed like forever. My mind just kept running. Why was he doing this? Did he have some sort of ulterior motive? Did he really want to apologize, or was he just messing with me? Were there going to be people waiting for us outside of this little clearing, waiting to beat me to a pulp? "So, you waited until a month before I graduated?"

"Where are you going to university?"

I sighed. "Todai."

"Of course."

"You will, too. It's kind of a given." He shrugged.

"I don't know, Jyou. You always were smarter than me."

I was so shocked I think I actually gasped. Koushiro never said anyone was smarter than him. Everyone looked to him for the intellectual side of things. He had an air about him now that he was intelligent, and he knew it. He was the smart one; I was just good, old, reliable Jyou. "Did you just…"

He nodded. "Yes, Jyou, I did. I said it. It's the truth, though – you're much more intelligent than I am. You actually put in the effort to be someone. I just skate through." He pointed to the school. "I have no idea what's going on half the time in there. I don't pay attention. You do. I see you. You take notes. You make a conscious effort to learn."

"Doesn't make me smarter than you."

He waved me off. "Stubborn Jyou. I tend to block the memories of that side of you out."

"I block a lot of memories of you out," I said flatly. He tensed.

"Give me a chance."

"No." I stood up and started to walk out. He grabbed my wrist. My white shirtsleeve went up my arm, revealing the skin there, as well as the large scar going vertically down my vein. His eyes widened.

"Where did that come from?"

I tried to wrench my wrist from his grasp, but he wouldn't let go. "Leave me alone. You don't need to know."

"Jyou," he whispered. I stopped struggling when I saw the concern on his face. His eyes were shining with tears. He held my arm tenderly in his hand, tracing the large scar with two fingers. "Did you…"

"Year 9." I closed my eyes and hung my head. "The last night Shin came home. It was the worst it had ever been. I tried to call you when he left. You didn't want to talk. That was…no one else knew. I had no one to help me through it this time." I felt a tear fall down my cheek. "I was unconscious for a while. No one thought…"

Koushiro threw his arms around me. "I'm sorry," he whispered, over and over again through his own tears. I cried in his arms. My mind went back to that day in my closet. That was when I told him my deepest, darkest secret. That was the day he comforted me. He was my best friend then.

He was different, I could tell. He definitely wasn't the Izzy I knew all of those years ago. I didn't know if that Izzy was still in there.

Was I willing to find out?

* * *

_Izzy and I sat on his balcony, our legs swinging over the edge through the guardrails. It was a balmy summer night, completely clear with no clouds to be found. His mom made us some lemonade. She always made it super sweet. The glasses were sweating, leaving large rings on the concrete. We had just finished our own late-night snack, which comprised of eggs with mustard and jellybeans. It was weird, but he loved it. I preferred salt and pepper, but it was his birthday. It was all for him._

"_I want to go far away," he stated out of nowhere. I took a drink of my lemonade and looked over at him. He had his eyes closed. His face was bathed in the bright moonlight. It looked like he was glowing._

"_Where would you go?"_

"_Somewhere that I could see the stars." He sighed, opening his eyes. They were glittering. "Out away from the city. Can you imagine it? The sky filled with stars?" He swept his hand across the sky. "It would be breathtaking."_

'_You're breathtaking,' I thought as I stared at him._

_His eyebrows came together. "What did you say?"_

_Oh, shit. I didn't just think it. My cheeks grew hot instantly. "Umm…nothing." I brought my cup to my lips. "Nothing at all."_

_Izzy cocked his head. "I'm 'breathtaking'?"_

_I choked on my lemonade. He patted and rubbed my back. "I really hoped you didn't catch that," I said through my wheezes._

"_Well, I did." We sat in awkward silence as I got my breathing under control. He waited patiently until I could breathe normally. He was used to my allergies and asthma acting up; it happened all of the time when we would walk home together. He continued to rub my back, even when I was back to normal. "Why did you say that?"_

"_Isn't it obvious?" _

_He stopped rubbing my back, bringing his hands into his lap. "You've been staring at me all night…"_

"_Izzy…"_

"_I want to hear you say it."_

"_I…" My voice caught in my throat. How was I supposed to say it? "I can't."_

"_Why not?"_

"_I'm afraid."_

"_Of…?"_

"_Your response." I took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes. "I don't want to ruin this." I put my glasses back on and looked over, jumping in surprise. His face was mere centimeters from mine. His eyes were half open, and, from what I could see, were flicking back and forth between my eyes and my lips._

"_Don't be afraid, Jyou," he said, putting a hand on my cheek. "You won't."_

"_I love you."_

"_I love you," he whispered, closing the gap between us._

* * *

"Jyou, I cannot believe you." I stared at my hands as my father berated me. Apparently, the school called him, checking to see if I was all right since no one called in on my behalf. "How could you do this? To yourself? To us?"

"I'm sorry, sir."

"You've never missed school, even with your illnesses." He called my allergies and my asthma my 'illnesses.' I never quite understood that. It sounded off. "What on Earth could you have possibly been doing with your time that was more important than school?"

I didn't answer. He stared at me, and then shook his head. "I am not dealing with this right now. Go to your room. You're grounded."

I opened my mouth to complain, but then realized that going to my room was better than anything else he could have done. That used to be a punishment when we were kids; I had a computer and a cell phone now. It wasn't a punishment anymore – it was a reprieve. I got up and went in my room without a word, but slammed my door simply for the effect. I slipped my socks off and crawled into bed, putting my cell phone and glasses on my bedside table.

The afternoon had been interesting, to say the least. Koushiro and I spent it together. I'm sure his parents were yelling at him tonight, too. We walked around our old neighborhood, taking the back pathways we used to take to avoid other people. Most of the time we were silent, but our silence grew awkward when we walked past the small creek with the red bridge over it – it was where we would sneak off to when our parents were asleep and we wanted to be alone.

"Do you remember hanging out on my balcony all of the time?" He said, pointing to his former 5th floor apartment. "Swinging our legs through the bars and whatnot."

I nodded, smiling a little. "Yeah, I remember that. Your apartment had the best view of the city."

"It's better than where we are now," he shoved his hands in his pockets. "Now, we just see a set of swings and a bunch of trees."

"Your mom's lemonade sounds awesome right now," I said out of nowhere. I could feel him staring at me as he started to giggle. "What?" I said through my own giggles.

"That balcony made you think of lemonade?"

"Just hers."

His laughter died down, ending in a short sigh. "It's making me think of it, too." Pause. "And a lot of other things."

"Koushiro-"

He put his hand up. "No need to even start. I'm just wanting to clear the air, not bring anything back to light."

My phone vibrated, bringing me out of my reverie. I grabbed it and held it super close to my face, pressing the button to light it up. It was from a number I didn't have in my phone.

'did your parents yell at you, too?' it read. I rolled my eyes, put in my password and began typing.

Me: Koushiro, How did you get my number? I didn't give it to you…

Koushiro: i have my ways ;D did they yell at you?

Me: My dad did, but not for very long. I think he had a rough day. You?

Koushiro: dad more than mom – mom pulled the 'i'm very disappointed in you' card on me

Me: I see.

The dots indicating that he was typing kept popping up, and then disappearing. I took the time in between messages to add him as a contact.

Koushiro: was today horrible for you?

Me: No, it wasn't. It was actually kind of...nice, oddly enough.

Koushiro: okay.

Pause.

Me: Is tomorrow going to be how it was today? Or will it be the same as it has been for the past two years?

Koushiro: things are going to be different from now on, okay? i promise you

I stared at that last statement. 'I promise you.' One thing I remembered about Koushiro was that he never went back on his promises, and he expected the same from others. I knew he was serious just by his word choice, but I had to make sure.

Me: Are you the same as you were regarding promises?

Koushiro: things may have changed about me, but that never will

I smiled. He was telling the truth.

Me: As long as we're clear that I still hate you.

Koushiro: makes sense to me

Me: …why don't you use capital letters and punctuation and such?

Koushiro: i'm too cool for that shit XD

I shook my head, laughing quietly.

Me: Whatever, Koushiro. Good night.

Koushiro: good night jyou :)

* * *

_The old lady eyed me over her strange glasses. They had a chain on them with all sorts of weird beads and shells on it. It looked like it would have weighed a ton by itself, but her glasses were so thick that it was amazing she could keep her head up. I was blind as a bat, sure, but hers were just embarrassing. She tapped her long fingernails on her notebook, never looking away from me. _

_ "What do you want me to say?" I asked, more from awkwardness than curiosity. Someone had to break this God-awful silence. I squirmed a bit in my seat as she stopped tapping her fingers._

_ "Tell me what's been going on in your thoughts."_

_ I scoffed, shaking my head and looking down at my hands. My wrists were still bandaged up. It amazed me how far up they had to go – I didn't remember it going that far. But…my thoughts? She really wanted to know my thoughts? "Fine. My thoughts were that I wanted to kill myself because my life was shit and I had nothing left to live for." I shrugged. "Those were my thoughts."_

_ "And now?" Her foot started moving back and forth. "What are you thoughts now?"_

_ I leaned back in the uncomfortable chair and looked out the window. "My thoughts now are that this is stupid."_

_ "Why?"_

_ "Because it's not going to do anything!" I yelled. She seemed a bit taken aback by my sudden outrage. Didn't surprise me – I'm not the type of person who looks like they can talk above a whisper, let alone yell._

_ "What would do something for you? What would be productive for you?"_

_ I looked her square in the eye, setting my jaw. "For my brother to be in prison for the rest of his miserable, pathetic life for ruining my own."_

* * *

I closed my locker door and jumped, squeaking a bit. Koushiro's face was right in front of mine, his eyes huge. I laughed. "Koushiro, what are you doing?"

"Sneaking up on you," he said with a smile. "You ready for today?"

I shrugged. "It's another school day."

He leaned up against the locker next to me. I looked around. Aimi was nowhere in sight, so she wouldn't bitch about him blocking her way. "What are you doing tonight?"

"Uh…homework."

The warning bell rang overhead. "No, you're not. It's Friday. You're hanging out with me."

I made an expression of mock-surprise. "Oh, really? Am I now?"

He nodded, smirking. "Yeah. You are." Putting his hand on my shoulder, he stood up slightly on his tiptoes to reach my ear. "And you won't regret it," he whispered. I closed my eyes, shivering a little.

"You really need to stop that," I whispered back. He patted me on the shoulder and took off down the hall.

"I still hate you!" I yelled. He turned around, that smirk still on his face. He mouthed 'whatever' and continued walking. I leaned up against my locker, watching him go.

I spent the entire day in a foggy state, trying to figure out what he could possibly have in store for me. Things had definitely changed in the past two weeks. He was being incredibly friendly toward me now, saying hi to me in the halls every time he saw me, sitting next to me at lunch, helping me when I needed it during English, our only class together. Before, he ignored me, insulted me, and treated me horribly. Complete opposite now, to the point of slight suspicion. I didn't know what to think. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I still wasn't letting him knock down my walls. He put them there; he would have to be the one to knock them down.

I always ended our conversations with "I still hate you," and he would respond with "whatever." It just seemed to fit the situation – I could say I still hated him, but I didn't feel like I did. Disliked, sure, but hated? Not necessarily.

The end of the day couldn't have come any slower. When the final bell rang, letting us crazy kids out of school, Koushiro grabbed me before I could even get my things out of my locker. I complained enough that he let me go back and get my backpack, but then he dragged me out of the school and to his car.

"I didn't know you had a car," I said as I got in the passenger side. It was a red Toyota something-or-other (hey, I'm not good with cars). The seats were gray plush. It was a small two door, but he seemed to beam with pride when I mentioned it.

"Yeah, this is my Sakuya." He patted the dashboard. "She's a good car. I'm looking forward to having some good times with her." He turned on the car and backed out, taking it out on the road.

I looked out the window. "Where are we going?"

I saw a smile creep up on his lips. "Somewhere nice. You'll see."

"Let me call my parents," I said, taking my cell phone out of my pocket. Not taking an eye off of the road, he grabbed my arm, stopping its movement.

"Already taken care of. I talked to them yesterday."

"You talked to my parents?!"

Koushiro nodded. "Yeah, I did. They're all right with me taking you. Actually, they were rather happy to see me, and to find out I was the reason their son was acting happier again." He threw a side-glance at me. I rubbed the back of my neck, not making eye contact. "Admit it, Jyou – you don't hate me anymore."

"Not making any promises."

He sighed. "Fine. I'll get you to change your mind yet."

"Mmmhmmm." I leaned my forehead against the car window, letting the sound of the car on the road take me out of my present situation. The next thing I knew, the car had stopped, and Koushiro was slamming his door and tapping on my window to wake me up.

I squinted against the sunlight at him. "Are we here?"

"We're here." He opened my door. I grabbed on to that side handle thing so that I wouldn't fall out.

"You could wait until I was a bit more coherent," I said, adjusting my glasses and tugging on my shirt. I stepped out of the car and froze. He had taken me to some sort of park off the beaten path. Where we were, there were no trees blocking the horizon, so the sunset was in full glory. It was beautiful, filled with blues and yellows and oranges and pinks. My mouth fell open slightly. "Wow."

"Beautiful, isn't it?" He opened up the trunk. I turned around to see what he was doing. He pulled out two sleeping bags and a tent kit. "My parents used to take me here back in the day. We haven't been for a long time. I'm surprised I even remembered how to get here."

"What are you doing?"

He stopped. "Taking out our supplies. You didn't think I'd drive all the way out here for just a view of the sunset, did you?" He took out what looked like a bag of supplies. Oh, no. "We're camping here."

"CAMPING?" I started to panic. "I can't camp! I'm allergic to everything! I don't have my-"

He pulled a Ziploc bag full of orange pill bottles out of the supply bag. "Meds?" He shook it a bit. The pills made their signature shaking noise. I pointed to the bag.

"How…?"

He took out a few more bags and then shut the trunk. "I gave your parents the spare key to my car so they could drop off your things before we left so you'd have no idea." He jingled the key ring. I must have looked surprised. His face fell a bit. "You didn't think I lied to you about talking to your parents, did you?"

He caught me. "What? No. No, of course not."

Koushiro eyed me suspiciously, and then started taking out the tent. I expected us to have to put it together, but it popped right up out of the container. "_Et voila_. Tent." It looked nice, but it looked…it looked small.

"That looks super small," I said.

He started unrolling the sleeping bags into the tent. "Well, that just means we'll have to be nice to each other." He turned to me. "We can do that, right?"

I gulped, trying not to look at his butt. It looked really nice in our uniform pants. I had always thought that way, but right now…God, Jyou, get it together. "Yeah. We can do that."

"Great." He stood up and put his hand on my shoulder. "Now, help me make some food. I'm starving."

* * *

_I checked my watch. '7:14.' Izzy was late. He was never late. I sat under the red bridge, knees curled against my chest. The creek was starting to make me a bit cold. I needed him to come here, be beside me and make me warm._

_ "Jyou!" Izzy ran into our little area. He had his backpack with him. I thought that was odd, but I let it go. "I'm so sorry I'm late. Here," he took his backpack off and gave me a fuzzy blanket. "Take this. I'm sure you're cold."_

_ "I kind of am," I whispered, taking it. I wrapped some of it around myself, and then extended the rest to him. He smiled, gladly taking his normal place against my side under the blanket. I tipped his chin up and kissed him. He returned the kiss, and then cuddled even more against me. _

_ He reached over and dragged his backpack in front of us. "I have something for you," he said. He handed me a small box. "It's not much, but…"_

_ I smiled as I took it and opened it. "Izzy, you didn't have to…oh." There was a small locket inside. It was on a long, thin chain, made of gold and had a few small red stones on the cover. I took it out of the box and examined it. Gorgeous. "This is beautiful, Izzy. Where did you get it?"_

_ "I bought it for you. Open it up." _

_I opened it up, tearing up slightly. "This is…wow." There were two small pictures of us inside. One was taken shortly after we met, and the other, just a few days before. "Izzy…"_

_ "Happy birthday, Jyou," he kissed me deeply. "I love you."_

* * *

We lay under the stars. I had never seen so many stars in my life. They were just covering the sky. I could make out several different constellations. I couldn't remember their names, except for Orion and Cassiopeia, but Koushiro picked up the slack. He seemed to be really good with his astronomy. I wondered if he brushed up on it before we came out here. It was almost as if he was showing off.

I watched him as he recited the stories of different constellations. His black eyes, glowing in the bright moonlight, flicked back and forth from me to the stars. Each time they settled on me, they stayed longer and longer. Eventually, he just stopped looking at the sky and propped himself up on his elbow, resting his head on his hand.

"Have you heard a single word I've said?" he said with a smirk. I blinked a few times. "I take that as a no."

"Of course I have. Cassiopeia had a throne…upside down, in the sky…something like that."

"Mmmhmmm," he shook his head. "Come on, Jyou. Pay attention." He waved his hand. "Or am I too distracting?"

I closed my eyes. "I hate you."

"No, you don't."

"Yeah, actually, I do."

He sighed. "You say you do…but I don't believe you. Not anymore."

I opened my eyes, staring straight at the sky, avoiding his gaze. Was he right? Did I not hate him anymore? He was being so...nice now. Strangely nice. I still couldn't wrap my brain around the situation. Why was he doing this? He explained it, sure, but it just didn't make sense. Why now? Why all of the sudden? Why four weeks before I was leaving?"

"Jyou, I have something to tell you," he lay back down, putting his hands behind his head. "I've kind of been keeping it from you, and I feel bad about that, but I wanted to make sure I could kind of make this work in a way."

My eyebrows came together. What on Earth was he talking about? He always was the more forward one when we were younger. What, did he love me again? What a trip that would be. "Okay…what is it?"

"I'm umm…graduating early and going to Todai next year."

I sat up on my elbows and looked over at him. "Wait, what?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I didn't find out too long ago, but yeah. I'll be there next year, too."

"Is that why you did this? So you'd have a friend there?"

He sat up, looking serious. "What? No. I didn't even know until like five days ago. I did this of my own accord. It would be a bonus if I did know someone going into it, sure, but that's not the reason I started this."

We stared each other down. I could tell he was telling the truth. It would be something stupid to lie about, anyway. What would it matter either way? He applied before we started talking again. There was no way he could have put in the application after. It was too large and complex. A pain in the ass, if you will. I cried when I found out I was accepted. Completing the application itself was such a moment of pride that it would have been a huge disaster if I weren't accepted.

"Why did you, then?"

Koushiro leaned his head back. "I told you why, Jyou. "

I shook my head. "I get what you told me, but I don't really think that's the reason. I think it's something else."

Staring again. "Jyou, please…"

I cocked my head. "What?"

"Stop looking at me like that."

I was unaware I was looking at him in any particular way. "Like what?"

He gestured in the air. "Like…that. Like how you're looking at me right now. You used to look at me like that. Forever ago."

I blinked a few times, looking away. "Sorry. I guess some things never change."

"No, they don't." We were quiet for what seemed like forever, him alone in his thoughts, and me alone with mine. I was looking at him in a way? _That _way? Still? What was wrong with me? It had been two weeks. Two. How could everything change so fast? Did I still…

No. No way. There was no way. It was impossible. We were babies.

…right? It was only four years ago. He was a baby more than me. I was 14 when it stopped. He was 12. He couldn't have loved me; he couldn't have known what love was. I did love him. I knew what it was.

Four years is a long time, though. 1460 days. No, 1461. Leap Year. This was a Leap Year, one of those weird years that throw everything off. Good old February 29th.

Before I could stop myself, the question flew out. "Do you still love me?" I put a hand over my mouth immediately after I said it. "Oh God, I'm sorry. Ignore me. Please."

Silence. Then, weakly, barely above a whisper…

"Yes."

* * *

_Izzy and I lay in my bed together, our arms and legs tangled. My nose was buried in his soft hair, and his nose was in the dip my collarbone made. We were both drifting in and out of sleep. I heard him snore a few times, as I'm sure I did myself. We were too comfortable to move, too comfortable to even speak. We didn't need to speak, though – it was understood why we were how we were._

_ I called, he came to my rescue. My knight in shining armor. I sleepily kissed the top of his head. He hummed against my collarbone. How was I supposed to tell him we were moving? Sure, we'd end up at the same high school, but we were going to head to the opposite side of the district from where we were now. We had it all planned, he and I: we'd see each other every day after school and spend the weekends together. Izzy didn't want to spend too much time apart. Neither did I. I wasn't really sure if relationships were supposed to be this clingy, but it seemed to work for us._

_ "Jyou," he mumbled, "why are you not asleep?"_

_ "Just thinking. Why are you not asleep?"_

_ "Enjoying the moment." He moved a little in my arms. He tended to hold me more than I held him, but, for some reason, this just felt right tonight. "Are you feeling better now?"_

_ I closed my eyes, trying to block out the flood of images that jumped into the forefront of my brain. "Now that you're here, yes."_

_ "I wish I could make it stop."_

_I teared up. I knew he did. I wished he could, too. Making Shin stop seemed to be impossible at this point. If Shuu ever came home, I could ask him how he got Shin to stop. Shuu stayed away. He hadn't been home in 3 years. Didn't blame him there – if I didn't have to be here, I wouldn't be. "I know. I do, too."_

"_Is there anything I can do?" I moved myself down a bit so I could look into his eyes. I felt a tear slip out when I blinked. I was so blind without my glasses._

"_You being here has helped me more than you know." Kissing him a couple of times delayed what I needed to say. _

"_Izzy, there's something I need to tell you…"_

* * *

That was not the answer I was expecting. "You-you do?"

Koushiro brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. He put his face into his kneecaps. "Yes, Jyou. I do. Still." He sighed. "I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul," he said in English.

"Did you come up with that yourself?"

He laughed softly. "No. Pablo Neruda. Wish I did."

"Hmm." He still loved me.

My feelings?

Anger. Contempt. Sadness. Depression. Confusion. Happy.

...wait. Happy? I sighed. Why was I happy? No point in being happy. For all I knew, he was making this up, trying to get me to trust him again so he could ruin me once and for all. Maybe that's what this was all about: an elaborate plan to ultimately make me the most miserable I had ever been in my life.

The past two weeks, though...they had been nice. It was nice to have someone with whom I had a past talk to me regularly again. And, in the case of Koushiro, we had quite a past. He knew things that no one else did. He was there when no one else was. Well, at least until he stopped talking to me.

It didn't make sense, though - he just stopped. Sure, I moved, but that wouldn't be reason enough for him to just completely cut off all contact.

"Koushiro-"

"God, I hate that you call me that still."

"It's your name. Everyone calls you that."

He sighed. "You didn't."

"Well, that's different." I put my hands behind my head. "Seriously, though, why did you stop talking to me?"

He rested his cheek on his knees. "I told you, Jyou. You moved away and I was angry at you for it."

I shook my head. "That can't be all. There's no way you could be as vindictive as you have been just because my parents made me move. I had no control over that. There has to be something else."

"There's not."

I looked over at him. "I don't believe you."

"Jyou-"

"Koushiro, I don't believe you."

His eyes were starting to shine. He closed them and put his face back in his knees. "I don't want to talk about it."

I sat up on my elbows. "You don't want to talk about it? You say you love me, you want me to call you by a nickname I gave you when we were together, but you won't give me the satisfaction of knowing why you cut me out of your life? Why? I just want to know."

"It hurts."

Tears. "It hurt when you cut me out. More than you can even imagine."

"IT WAS MIMI, OKAY?!" He exploded. He cleared his throat, and then continued, his voice back to a normal volume. "I saw you kissing Mimi. I was hurt and angry and wanted to make you miserable for what you did."

I stared at him. I was confused. When the hell did I kiss Mimi? I was never interested in her. I had never been interested in girls in general. What was he talking about?

It clicked. Oh. My going away "party" my parents made me have when we were close to moving. Mimi liked me at that time. She said she had for a while. She kissed me, not knowing that I was with Izzy. I pushed her away when I realized what was happening. I told her I was with Izzy, and her response? 'Awww, that's so cute! Sorry about kissing you, then. I had no idea.' I asked her if she was okay. She said yes, that she was fine. She never brought it up after that, which is why I had completely forgotten about it. Obviously, it wasn't something I should have forgotten about.

"At my going away party? Really?" I cocked my head. "If you had stayed for a few more seconds, you would have seen me push her off of me and tell her I was with you." I paused. "Why didn't you ever talk to me about it?"

He sniffed a few times. I could see some watermarks on his cheeks. "I don't...God, I'm so stupid..."

"For as smart as you are, it was a pretty stupid thing to do," I said mockingly, but I could feel tears threatening to spill out. "Assuming things never gets you anywhere."

Koushiro's shoulders shook. The most pathetic and heart-wrenching sounds poured out of him. It was like I could hear his heart breaking through his sobs. I wanted to stay stoic and be cold toward him, like he deserved, but before it even registered in my brain, I had my arms around him.

"Shh," I whispered, stroking his hair. I hated to admit it, but I missed his bushy hair. It was always so soft. His shorter hair was coarser, smoother now than soft. He curled up into my chest and sobbed, just like he did the night he overheard his parents talking about how to tell him he was adopted. I hadn't seen him like that since. I put my lips on his forehead, just resting them there. I knew what I had to do. "Shh, Izzy...don't…"

His breathing was ragged, and he was sniffing constantly in between the noises he was making. As soon as I said it, he slowly looked up at me, eyes wide. I knew calling him 'Izzy' would catch him off guard, but I felt it was needed.

"You called me 'Izzy.''

I smiled sadly. "So I did."

"I don't deserve that," he said between hiccups.

I shook my head. "Maybe not, but this seems to be an appropriate situation for it."

He curled back into me. "Jyou, do you ever think you could...love me again?"

I closed my eyes, holding him close to me. "I don't know." I rocked him back and forth a little bit as he continued to cry. I felt a few tears slip out of my eyes. "I don't know."

"It's all I've ever wanted," he said softly. "And I had it, and I fucked up. I fucked it all up. I just…I want to at least know you again. Nothing has to come of it. I just want you in my life again." He paused. "I want to set this right."

"Look at me," I whispered.

"No," he whispered back.

"No, seriously, look at me," I forcefully tipped his chin up. He looked off to the side. "Look at me, Izzy." That made him look. His black eyes were huge, and he started trembling slightly. He was nervous. Maybe even scared. "I wish I could tell you for sure. I hope you know that."

He nodded, sniffing. "Good to know."

I stared at him. He looked the same as he did years ago from far away, but seeing him up close like this...he looked different. Tired. Fragile. There were dark purple rings under his eyes. His cheeks had thinned out from the adorable puffiness they had before. His lips were still as pink and soft looking as they used to be, though.

His lips. Oh God, his lips. They were always my favorite part of him, soft and wonderful. Shockwaves used to go through me when we kissed. My lips started to ache. I tried to attribute it to my lack of Chap Stick that day, but I knew it was my subconscious being stupid and making me want to kiss him again. Desperately. Autopilot kicked in, and I watched my fingers brush his cheek lightly. He blinked a few times in shock, but never broke our gaze.

"Jyou," he shrunk back, uneasy. "What are you doing?"

"I don't know," I watched my involuntary actions. "But I have the overwhelming urge to kiss you right now…" His trembling increased to the point that it was frightening me. "Are you cold?"

Koushiro shook his head. "No. Well, yes. But, no. Nervous."

"Would it be wrong if I did kiss you?" Yes, Jyou. Yes it would be. It would be very wrong. You hate him. He's made your life hell for the past two years, and put you through so much emotionally. You don't need this. You don't need him.

"I don't think it would be wrong, if it's really what you wanted to do."

"Why are you nervous?" I asked, cocking my head a bit. I figured he would jump at the chance, since he supposedly loved me and all. It was confusing.

He swallowed. "Because," his voice was raspy, "I don't want it to hurt."

I laughed. "I'm not going to bite you or anything."

Izzy shook his head. "No, I don't mean that. I mean...I don't want it to hurt either of us. Emotionally."

True. Didn't think about that. It _would_ hurt me. Greatly. Kissing him again might just be the death of me. All of the hatred and anger and frustration and confusion that had built up over the years, plus the sensation of doing that again with him...I didn't know what would happen. Plus, it was me being completely vulnerable to the one who hurt me most in my life. Shin destroyed my life, that was true, but Koushiro...he picked up the pieces, promising to glue me back together, but threw me down instead, shattering me into even smaller pieces and leaving me to reassemble myself. Sure, I shouldn't have leaned on him so much, but I was fourteen. What else was I supposed to do?

What would it do to him? I stared into his black eyes, which were wide with almost panic. If he did still love me, how would it affect him? I didn't love him anymore. At least I didn't think I did. Would that be leading him on? Would I be leading myself on?

And what if he was just lying? He could be. I didn't have enough faith in him to completely think otherwise. Part of me wanted to trust him, but after what he had done to me, it was hard to. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I was afraid to.

But those lips...God, those lips…I felt myself leaning down, closing the gap between us. It was going to happen. It was inevitable. I started breathing heavily. He started breathing the same way. Every second that passed seemed like an eternity. He touched my hand. I stopped, our lips lightly touching.

"Are you sure?" He asked, his breath hitching from our feather-like contact.

I nodded, hungrily closing the gap between us. Throwing caution to the wind, I kissed him. Hard. My senses exploded. It felt wrong. It felt so wrong. But, at the same time, it felt completely right. It felt like it had four years ago, only magnified by a million times. One kiss turned into two, into three, and so on. Every unspoken word and feeling was pouring out of me into these kisses. I got the feeling it was the same for him. Our lips were becoming wet. I knew what it was from.

I was crying, and so was he.


	2. Part Two

Light crept through the fabric of the tent. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, looking up at the tent ceiling. A bit of a chill went through me, so I tried to curl the sleeping bag up around me. It wasn't moving.

'What?' I sat up, looking around. Koushiro had his back to me. His breathing was steady and slow. Sleeping. Looking at the sleeping bag, however, I figured out why it wouldn't move.

Apparently, we had zipped our sleeping bags together during the night. Also, I was without a shirt. I lifted the sleeping bag slowly, letting out a huge sigh of relief. Good. I still had pants on.

When did the sleeping bag happen? How did this happen?

What happened?

I felt around for my glasses, putting them on when I finally found them. I ran a hand through my hair, looking around. My shirt was at the entrance of the tent…as was Koushiro's. But, wait…were those…his…

Shit.

I started shaking him. He mumbled a few things, but didn't wake up. I shook him harder. "Izzy. Izzy, wake up. Come on. Wake up." He swatted at me a few times, but he eventually came to with a growl.

"What, Jyou? I'm sleeping."

"What happened last night?"

Izzy's black eyes squinted in the light. "Well, good morning to you, too." He put an arm over his face to block it out. "Nice to see you all chipper."

"Seriously, what happened last night?"

He shook his head, sitting up on his elbows. Yep. His shirt was definitely off. "Geez, Jyou. I knew you were in some strange sorts, but do you really not remember?"

Our eyes met, and the floodgates opened up. Everything rushed into the forefront of my mind. Us kissing. Kissing more. Moving into the tent. Zipping the sleeping bags together. More kissing. Nothing happened farther than that, but I begged for it. He was the one who said no. I lowered my eyes, putting my head in my hands. I couldn't believe how intoxicating it was to be with him. It was to the point of my brain being so fogged over that I couldn't remember what happened the next day. Something didn't add up, though. "Why are your pants off?"

"I got hot. You know I get hot when I sleep." Izzy touched my arm lightly. "Don't worry, nothing happened."

"Okay, good."

He sat up and put his arm around me. "'Good?' Really? That's surprising to hear, after you begged." He put his lips up to my ear. "'Come on, Izzy. Please.'"

I pushed him away. He laughed. "Lighten up, Jyou. I'm just teasing."

"Well, it's not funny."

He put his arm back around me and rested his head on my shoulder. "Don't be so hard on yourself. You're allowed to let yourself go. I just didn't want it to get too intense for your sake."

I turned my head. "My sake?"

He nodded. "I know what I want. You don't. I don't want you regretting anything."

I touched my forehead against his. It felt like I should regret what happened the night before. It made perfect sense to regret it. It shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't have even been a thought. But, it was a thought. It did happen, and I needed to deal with it. He felt so warm next to me, his fingers brushing my arm gently.

Did I want to regret it?

Yes.

Did I?

...Not at all.

* * *

Izzy was distracting me during our English final. It was my last final on my last day of school. I wanted it to be a day of focus but he was making it incredibly difficult. He was chewing on his eraser, his eyebrows scrunched together, concentrating. It made no sense to me for him to be focusing so hard, since he was fluent in the language. Self-taught, no less. I shook my head slightly. English was hard as hell. I didn't know how he did it.

Wait. Yes I did. He didn't want to leave his room. He stayed in his room, cutting himself off from the outside world. I read or played computer games when I wanted to stay in my room. He taught himself a new language. I wondered if he knew any other languages. I hadn't had a chance to ask him.

We hadn't really talked in the past week. We had been spending a lot of time together – nearly every moment we could, and even moments when we couldn't – but there wasn't much talking going on. Our tongues were occupied in other ways.

Side-glance. Damn. He caught me. I looked down at my paper, my cheeks turning red instantly. I saw him smirk out of the corner of my eye. Jitters.

"Kido," Mr. Tanaka snapped, staring at me over his glasses and his English copy of The Scarlet Letter. "Eyes on your paper."

"Sorry." Izzy snickered.

"Izumi."

"Sorry, sir," Izzy said sheepishly. I returned to my final, focused on answering everything to the best of my ability so I could get out of there and spend the rest of the day with him. We made plans to get some frozen yogurt, grab an old loaf of bread from Miyako's parents' convenience store/bakery, and go to our old spot to feed the ducks that always congregated there. The only problem with this plan was that I hadn't really told Miyako about what was going on. She was probably going to be confused and rather upset. Even though she was much younger than me, she was rather protective of my "fragile, little heart," as she liked to put it. I knew she would be there today, so this was going to be interesting for everyone involved.

"Thank you, Koushiro," Mr. Tanaka said as Izzy handed him his final. Of course he'd finish before me. Stupid fluency. I looked up over my glasses at him as he walked by. He touched my shoulder lightly. My breath caught. I cleared my throat and looked back at my paper, waiting for the letters to go back into focus. One more question. I could do this.

_Explain the difference, in English, between a defining clause and a non-defining relative clause._

Fuck. I was going to be here until the bell rang if I didn't make something up. I looked at the clock. No end in sight. Scribbling a few incoherent things down, I swung my bag over my shoulder and gave Mr. Tanaka my test.

"Thank you, Jyou. Have a good rest of your life."

"Uh…thanks. You, too." He smiled and shook his head, returning to The Scarlet Letter. Trying to contain my excitement, I slowly walked out of the classroom and into my freedom. I stopped halfway down the hallway. Izzy was nowhere in sight. I turned around a few times. Nowhere. The hallway was empty.

"Hmm." I shrugged and continued down the hall. He must have gone up front. I didn't get very far, though. I was pulled into a side hall and shoved up against the wall. Cringing, I waited for a punch or something equal, but was met with a kiss instead. I laughed in surprise.

"Took you long enough," Izzy hummed against my lips.

"Yeah, well, not all of us are gods of language." I noticed he was standing on his tiptoes. He was so short. "You are so incredibly short."

He smacked my arm. "Shut up. You're freakishly tall."

I almost replied with, "Yeah, I've heard that from you before," but I stopped myself. No need to ruin a good day.

"Are you ready to go?" His eyes were glittering. I nodded with a smile. "Okay, then, let's go celebrate your last day in high school."

* * *

Miyako was working the counter when we came in. She was pouring over a magazine; no doubt a k-pop one with G-Dragon or someone like him on the cover. She fell in love with k-pop the year before and was slowly teaching herself Korean. I always admired her tenacity. If she wanted to learn Korean, she was going to learn Korean; no matter how long it took her to do so. I could hear a k-pop song playing softly from the little radio next to her. She looked up when the bells above the door rang, smiling when she saw me.

"Joseph!" She barreled from behind the counter and flung herself at me. I pulled her into a tight hug. It had been a few weeks since we'd seen each other. My excuse to her was that school was becoming a pain, but, really, it was because I was spending all of my time with Izzy.

Yes, I had taken to calling him Izzy again, both in my thoughts and out loud. It just seemed right after our camping trip. He really did seem to want to fix things, and, so far, fix things we had. It was as if we were best friends again. And, maybe we were. I was still keeping a part of myself on reserve in case things did take a turn for the worse, but every time he would look at me with those dark doe eyes, that part would become smaller and smaller. I could tell that if things kept going the way they were it would be non-existent.

"Hey," I said, rubbing her back. "How are you?"

She ended the hug and flipped her long, lavender hair behind her shoulders. "Fine, no thanks to you. Where have you been? You disappeared on me."

I shrugged. "I told you, school. It's been crazy." I heard Izzy cough behind me. He knew I was lying. I shot him a glare.

"Well, today was your last day, so you won't have that excuse for a whole month." She beamed. "I have a new cookie recipe that I want you to be a guinea pig on." She went back behind the counter to her post. She then noticed Izzy. I could see her eyes glitter behind her huge glasses.

Oh, no.

"And who might you be?" Miyako asked, her voice sugary sweet. I rolled my eyes. He just laughed and rubbed the back of his neck.

"I guess it has been a while…you don't remember me, do you, Miyako?"

She cocked her head, crossing her arms. "Umm…no, not really. Should I?"

"I'd like to think so." He shrugged. "Maybe I'm wrong."

I pushed him on the shoulder. He let out a soft, "Hey!"

Miyako crossed her arms. "You two seem…cozy."

Time to come clean. "Miyako, this is…Izzy. Izzy, Miyako."

He did a fake bow. "Nice to meet you again, darling."

Her eyes filled up basically the whole circumference of her lenses. "Izzy…as in…Koushiro, right?"

He frowned slightly. "Well, yeah…but you don't have to call me that if you don't want to."

Miyako shot me a glare, leapt from behind the counter, and dragged me into the kitchen. The doors loudly swished behind her. "Jyou Kido, what the HELL are you doing?"

My breathing became ragged. I knew this was going to be tricky, but Miyako's wrath was something that was not to be reckoned with. Her face was becoming redder by the millisecond. She had me pinned up against a wall, her nose right in my face.

"Miyako, please-"

She stuck a finger in my face. "You have come crying to me for the past two years about how Koushiro's treated you. And yet, your last day of high school, you come waltzing in here, with him-" she pointed out at the front, "Looking all happy, like he's your best friend or something. What the hell is going on?"

I looked up, down, left, right, every place but her face. She grabbed my chin, which forced me to look at her. I bit my lip. "It's…complicated."

"Sure it is." Sarcasm.

"He was the one who wanted to fix things. He came to me. He's apologized, time and time again, for everything he's done. He's explained to me why he did it." I sighed. "It's taken some time, but I'm willing to give him a second chance."

She squinted. "Why, though? Why does he deserve another chance?"

"He doesn't," I said before the thought even registered.

She was silent for a while, never breaking eye contact. I could almost see the gears turning in her brain. She was trying to figure it all out. Yeah, good luck with that. I didn't even know why, and it was my life.

"You're being stupid," she said in a low growl. "Don't come crying to me when he fucks you over."

"Do you have any day old bread?"

That threw her off. "Wh-what?"

"Day old bread. Do you have any? That's the whole reason we came here."

Her right eyebrow twitched up a few times. Anyone who didn't know Miyako's subtleties wouldn't have picked up on it, but I did. That happened when she was in shock. It was as if her body froze, but needed to get that sudden burst of energy one gets when surprised out in some way. "No. It's already been sold." I could also tell she was lying by the pattern of her blinks. Three at a time. Lies.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Fine, Miyako. I'll just buy some new bread."

"We don't have any here. My parents are baking more at home." Multiples of three. More lies.

I laughed a little, pushed her aside gently, and walked out the swinging doors. Izzy was standing by the cooler, looking at the soda and tea selections. He must have been standing there a while because he looked utterly relieved to see me come out. "Finally," he said. "Let's get some bread and get out of here."

"Change of plans. No bread," I grabbed his elbow and dragged him out of the store. "Ice cream and straight to the creek."

"But what about-?"

"We can sit far enough on the bank of the creek to where the ducks can't get to us-"

"Jyou, stop-"

"They eat enough as it is-"

"Jyou-"

"They're just stupid duc-" He stepped in front of me, putting his hands on my chest to keep me from toppling him over.

"Jyou. Stop. Breathe." I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. He moved one of his hands to my cheek, caressing it lightly with his thumb. I leaned into it and smiled. "Better?" I nodded. "Good. Forget what just happened. Look at me." I obliged. "This is your day. You're done with high school, so we are going to make this a fun afternoon, okay?"

"You're done with high school too, Izzy."

He smiled, putting his arm around my shoulder and leading me down the sidewalk. "Minor detail. You're the one who's worked hard for this, not me. You deserve a day about you. Now," he let his arm down and touched my fingers with his. I looked over at him, eyes wide, my mouth slightly open. He was smirking, and his eyes were on fire. "What was this you said about ice cream?"

* * *

The sun was beginning to set when we got to the creek. It took us a while to find somewhere with just plain, basic ice cream flavors. We both just wanted vanilla, and we got assaulted with flavors like watermelon, tomato, and watermelon tomato (WHAT). Izzy was the one who found the rickety looking cart that was selling our precious vanilla. He bought us both double cones and we walked, hand in hand, to our destination.

I had Izzy hold my ice cream cone as we walked down the slant to the bank of the creek. I had a tendency to lose my footing and slide down. He always had better balance than I did, and had a lot more spring in his step. I smiled as I slid down, watching him tip toe sideways. I always attributed his balance to his short stature – he didn't have as much body to deal with. I was just a walking tripping hazard.

"Look, the rocks are still there," he said, pointing with his pinkie finger. We had somehow rolled two large rocks from pretty far down the creek to our spot under the bridge so we could sit on them when we were younger. And, there they were, still in the same place, albeit dusty from the dirt that had gathered over the years. Once I got my footing, I went over to the rocks and brushed them off, taking my ice cream cone from Izzy before I sat down. Our cones had started to drip. Izzy was trying to catch every little drop with his tongue, but some of it was getting on his fingers. He looked so intense while making sure he got all of it. He paused when he saw me looking at him, his pointer finger halfway in his mouth. "What?" he asked, taking his finger out.

Damn. He caught me. I shook my head. "Nothing." I felt my cheeks heat up. He smirked and went back to meticulously licking his fingers…this time, though, he didn't break eye contact. My breathing quickened.

"Quit."

Izzy laughed. "You like it."

I laughed a little, looking away. "Never said I didn't."

We ate our cones in silence, except for our giggles when we locked eyes while licking the ice cream. I wasn't the only one who's mind was going somewhere else.

"So, Jyou," he started after crunching his last bite of cone, "I feel like we should discuss Todai."

I stopped mid-bite and looked over at him. "What do you mean?"

He leaned back against the bridge, crossing his arms. "I mean, it's a big place…who knows where we're going to end up, and even if we'll ever see each other."

"We'll just have to figure that out when we get our class schedules and everything," I said. I had no idea where this was going. This seemed like a really odd conversation. "Wasn't that the plan anyway?"

He sighed, looking down at his shoes. He slipped them off. He then took his socks off and rolled up his slacks. "Izzy, what are you doing?"

"In all of the times we came here, we never put our feet in the water."

"Because it's cold and slimy and gross," I said matter-of-factly.

Izzy rolled his eyes. "See, that's it. You never want to take a risk." He walked into the creek. "Sure, it's muddy and gross, but it's cooling and…well, it's actually really refreshing."

I stared at him. I never took a risk?

…well, yeah, he was right. I always stuck with the plan. Good, old, reliable Jyou. Always stuck with doing the right thing. Never one to stray from the path. I watched him splash around. He was so child-like, a huge grin on his face, laughing, jumping around. I rested my chin on my hand. My life had always been so set in stone – go through school, get good grades, work hard, get into Todai, become a doctor, go on and do that for the rest of my life. It had all been planned out from the time I was little. I never veered away from that.

I never took a risk.

He stopped jumping around and looked over at me. He was breathing heavily, but that grin was still there.

I never took a risk until I took one on him.

He walked back up to me, taking my hands in his. "Come on, Jyou. Come play with me."

I blinked a few times, and then slipped off my shoes. Tugging off my socks and rolling up my pants, I joined him. The water was cold, the ground was slimy, and I really didn't like it, but I did it for him. I found myself laughing along with him as we jumped around in circles, splashing each other. By the time we were completely out of breath and had collapsed back on the rocks, we were both soaked head to toe. Our laughter died down. He rested his head on my shoulder.

"You took a risk. I'm so proud of you."

I kissed the top of his head. "Psh, that was nothing. I took a huge risk with you, and it's paid off. It seemed like the least I could do."

He sighed. "Jyou, come on." He adjusted himself so our eyes were level with each other. He looked so intense. "I know I was a risk, but I wasn't a 'huge' risk."

I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, okay, Izzy."

"We've fallen back into how we used to be fairly quickly. It couldn't have been that much of a risk."

My mouth fell open slightly. "You murdered me, Izzy. You know you did. I've told you. It was a MASSIVE risk for me to put myself back out there when it came to you." I paused. "Where did all of this risk talk come from?"

He bit his lip. "Well…I'm going to Europe for the summer break. With my parents, of course, but still…it's my graduation present, and I…well…I want to do something crazy while I'm there."

Europe? That was the first I'd heard of this. "Really? How long will you be gone?"

"The whole break."

"Oh," I said softly. Then, something clicked. "What do you mean by 'something crazy'?"

"I want…" he sighed again. "I want your permission."

"Permission to do what?"

He looked away. "To do anything."

"Which includes…?"

His hands started twitching in his lap. Something wasn't right about this whole thing.

"If I…" he started, and then cleared his throat. "If I meet someone while I'm there, I want your permission."

My heart sank. I felt tears instantly spring to my eyes. "You're…you're kidding me, right?"

He looked up. "Why would I be? I'm dead serious."

Everything in my body lit on fire. Sadness and shock made way for rage. I felt myself starting to shake. "You love me, though."

"And you don't love me. Which is why I'm asking."

I opened my mouth to speak, but my breath caught in my throat. I started coughing, which lead into uncontrollable, nearly maniacal laughter. "I don't know if I love you or not. There is a difference. Why would you think this would be okay for me? Did you expect me to jump at the chance to let you fuck someone else?"

He stood up and walked quickly toward the hill, leaving me on the rocks. I shook my head and walked next to him. "Don't you walk away from me, Izumi Koushiro. You started this, you need to finish it." He turned around abruptly, causing me to almost run into him. He stared up at me, his face as red as a cherry. I figured mine was as well.

"I don't understand why you won't let me. If you don't love me, what's the big deal?" There were hints of sarcasm and anger in his tone.

"What the hell do you want from me, Izzy? Do you want me to tell you I love you? You know I can't do that honestly."

He covered his face with his hands, rubbing his eyes. "I need to clear my head, Jyou. I need to figure things out for myself. I figured it might help. And if you would have let me explain my reasoning, I thought maybe it would make more sense."

I scoffed, crossing my arms. "Yeah, and me letting you fuck whoever you please while you gallivant across the EU is going to help you figure everything out."

He mumbled something under his breath. I thought I heard him say something that I could not believe he would even think to say, after everything I'd been through. "Can you repeat that? I didn't catch what you said."

Izzy shook his head. "No," I demanded, "say it. I want to make sure I heard you correctly."

He set his jaw, clenched his fists, and looked up at me through his impossibly long eyelashes. "You really want me to repeat it? I know you heard me."

"Say it."

"At least I'd be getting laid instead of this meaningless relationship."

I bit my lip, trying to contain my screams and my tears. "That's what I thought you said." I walked back over to the rocks and sat down. He started to walk over, but I put my hand up. He stopped. "You know why I can't give you that."

"I know."

"It brings up too much pain for me, and I can't-"

"GOD, JYOU, I KNOW. I know your sob story. I know why we can't have sex. Why we've never been able to have sex. It's not my fault your brother raped you. I love you – I always have – but I need something. I need this. I need physical contact. I crave it. You've always gotten me to that point, and then stopped. I can't take it. I need some time to clear my head and figure out whether or not I can live with your...issue."

I blinked a few times, stunned. How…how dare he. HOW DARE HE. I gave him everything. I gave myself back over to him. He knew exactly what he was getting into when he came to me again. He knew my limitations. He knew my history. He knew.

"You knew," I said softly. "You knew, and you said it was okay." I sniffed a few times. "You've always said it was okay."

"I lied."

It was at that moment that I broke. I started sobbing uncontrollably. My insides felt like they were going to burst out. I held onto my sides to keep that from happening. "I took a risk. I took you back in. And you did it again. You broke me. Again. I just…I can't." I wiped my nose with my hand. "I can't…"

"Jyou-"

"What more could you POSSIBLY have to say?!" I screamed through my pathetic tears. "I gave you my heart, AGAIN, and you threw it away, AGAIN. I should have listened to my instincts and not done this again."

"Jyou, please-"

"Leave."

Izzy took a few steps back. His eyebrows came together as he tried to figure out whether he should listen to me or stay and try and comfort me. I knew he wanted to do the latter, but I knew he also knew it would make me even more upset. He hung his head, turned around, and went up the hill, leaving me alone on the rocks.

I shook my head, teardrops dotting my glasses, and tried to get my ragged breathing under control. What had I done to myself? What was I thinking?

What the hell was I going to do?

* * *

I walked the familiar path to the little creek with the red bridge over it. Our spot. It would always be our spot, even if we never visited it together again. The sakura trees were in full bloom, leaving their pink petals all over the sidewalks and the grass. Per usual, while trying to get down the bank, I slid down. The sakura petals didn't help the situation.

"Crap." I was lying down on the grass at a weird angle after I stopped slipping. I put my hands behind my head and stared at the white, puffy clouds above me.

The graduation ceremony had gone well. Sang the songs, listened to the speeches. Nothing too exciting. Izzy's seat wasn't too far away from me due to the closeness of our last names alphabetically, but no glances were exchanged. His expression was solemn, and his eyes were on his folded hands the whole time. It was as if we didn't know each other.

And, in a way, we didn't. There was still so much we didn't know about the other, and couldn't have known in a two week window. We were about to spend the break apart, thankfully, with me staying in Odaiba and him going to Europe with his parents. They were so proud. Little did they know about his foreign adventure intentions.

My parents kept comparing me to him, pestering me about why I wasn't able to graduate early. I think my dad was starting to worry about my drive. I was going to Todai, after all - I was going to need it.

I closed my eyes, breathing deeply. What was the point? Maybe I should just take off in my car, drive to the ferry and go to South Korea. Sure, I didn't know much Korean (besides the obligatory 'annyeonghaseyo' and a few of its variations), but I could escape all of this ridiculousness and start a new life. I smiled at the thought of having Miyako teach me some Korean.

The wind kicked up a bit, sending the petals and leaves that were on the ground flying all around me. I heard them crunch a bit while they were flying around.

That didn't make sense, though. Why would they crunch? Someone was walking by. The crunching started to get closer to my head, and then stopped abruptly. I sighed. Great. Someone was looking at me, and I had a feeling I knew exactly who it was.

I squinted against the sun. Yep. There he was, dressed in black, just like me.

"Can I sit?" Izzy said, clearing his throat after. His voice was weak and raspy.

I stared at him, and then, with a sigh gestured with my hand next to me. I put it back behind my head. He sat down quickly, folding his hands in his lap again.

"I had a feeling I'd find you here."

"Why is that?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Just had a feeling."

"Honestly, I don't know why I'm here," I stared up at the sky. "I just started walking after the ceremony, and I ended up here."

He ran his hand over the grass. "Me too. Well, kind of. I watched you leave in this direction. I figured you'd come here, so I followed."

My eyebrows came together. "You followed me?"

Izzy brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. "Yeah. Sorry. I just...sorry."

The branches of the sakura trees rustled together in the light wind. A couple of petals ended up on my face. I brushed them off, picking up one of them and examining it in the sunlight. Gorgeous. I always felt lucky to live in Japan around this time of year - it was stunning.

"Jyou," he hesitated before continuing, "are we nothing?"

I sat up on my elbows, still staring at the sky. "What do you mean?"

"Like...are we nothing now? Not friends, but not enemies? Just...nothing?"

I felt tears prick my eyes. I closed them, hoping I could keep them from forming into anything real. He sounded so hurt and defeated. He was right, though; we had become nothing. In four weeks, we went from enemies, to friends, to something so intense and intoxicating and confusing that I could barely stand it, to absolutely nothing. It was as if we never knew each other.

But, we had. We had known each other, better than anyone else. It just didn't seem fair for it to end like it did. His question (more like demand) was too much for me to even comprehend. It still stung when I thought about it. As much as I hated him, Todai was a big place, and the knowledge that he was going to be there, somewhere in the masses...it would drive me up the wall.

"I don't know," I said meekly. I grabbed onto the grass under my hands and yanked it up. "I don't necessarily want to be nothing, but I don't know where we stand." I sighed. "I'm leaning toward hatred again."

He sighed. "I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to be nothing. I want to be something to you." He paused, his voice dropping down. "Anything. I was stupid. Incredibly stupid. For me to even think…and then to bring that up…" I sniffed in response. He shook his head. "I'm sorry for everything. For what I did, for what I've done. I'm sorry for all of it."

"Me too."

"I'm leaving in a few days."

I nodded. "I know."

"I'll be gone all break."

"I know."

He continued running his hand over the grass. The sound of the water in the creek lapping against the rocks filled our awkward silence. "Jyou…"

"Stop," I started. Turning onto my side with my back to him, I started pulling on the second button of my uniform jacket. After a few tries, it popped free. It seemed odd to me to do this, considering I wasn't sure if I actually was in love with him again or not, and everything that he had done, but I knew I would regret letting this perfect moment pass by if I didn't take advantage of it.

I hated it, but it felt right. It felt so right. I needed to do this. I needed it to be known to him.

"What are you doing?"

Taking a deep breath, I sat up and faced him. His eyes went down to my jacket, and then back to mine. He looked both surprised and confused. My hand shook as I took his in my own, opened it up, and placed the button in it, closing his fingers around it. His eyes started to shine. I had a feeling mine were as well.

"Izzy, I-" My voice broke, so I cleared my throat and started over. "Izzy, I don't know what else to say or do besides this. I can't say for certain right now if I love you, but I know that there isn't another soul on this Earth who deserves this more than you do. I hate what happened, and I hate what you said, and I hate that you even thought of the idea, and I don't understand it, but it just doesn't feel right to not have you there anymore. I hope you can understand what I am trying to sa-"

I was cut off by a surprise kiss. It took me so off guard that I fell back on the grass. He went down with me. My glasses fell off beside us, but it didn't matter. I could feel so much emotion behind that kiss - desperation, sadness, confusion, even a little entitlement - but there was so much love. And, as insanely dysfunctional as we were, it seemed only right for all of that to be behind that kiss.

"I love you, Jyou," he whispered between kisses. "I always have."

"I know."

"And I can wait for you. I _will_ wait for you." He grabbed my hand, entwining his fingers with mine. "As long as you need me to, I will wait for you." I felt a small, metal object in between our hands. I started laughing. He gave me his button, too.

"How long were you holding on to that?" I asked.

He smirked. "I pulled it off when you turned around. It seemed like too perfect of a moment." He brushed a few stray strands of hair out of my eyes. "Too bad you stole my thunder."

"Great minds think alike, I suppose."

Izzy curled up against me, wiggling his arm under my back and draping his other arm across my chest. Keeping the button in my hand, I wrapped my arms around him the best I could in that position. The wind picked up again. Petals covered us in a blanket of soft pink. Nothing mattered; just him and me, holding each other close, making every second with each other count.

Maybe I did love him. My heart seemed to want to. My brain was what was stopping me. I rested my cheek on the top of his head. He was going to be gone for a month, traipsing around Europe with his family. Lucky bastard.

Maybe that month was going to be a blessing in disguise. Maybe that month was what I needed. Everything could become clear in that month. I could figure out that I loved him again...and I could figure out that I couldn't love him again. Either way, I would have an answer that I could tell him when he got back.

"I'm going to miss you," I said into his hair.

"I'll miss you, too."

I kissed the top of his head. He cuddled into my neck.

"Jyou, about what I asked-"

"We don't need to discuss that right now." I paused. "Or ever again, really."

He placed a kiss in that small dip between my shoulder and my collarbone. "It won't happen. It would have never happened anyway, even if you had given me the okay. I don't want anyone else. I couldn't want anyone else. You're it for me. I just got you back; I don't want to lose you."

"Then why did you even ask it?"

He shook his head, humming as he kissed me a few more times in that same spot. "I was having a moment of weakness and a severe lapse in judgment. I don't know why I ever thought it was a good idea, or even considered it to be something worthy of a thought. I hate that I even thought it. I don't…" he sniffed. "I don't want to lose you."

I rubbed his back as best I could. I felt some water drip onto my skin. He was crying. "Shh, Izzy. Come on. Look at me." He raised his head and met my gaze. "Don't do that."

"This can't be fixed, can it?"

I shook my head. "No, it can't be fixed…" His breathing started to hitch in response. "But maybe it can be glued back together."

"I don't want you to forgive me."

I half-smiled, resting a hand on his cheek. "I don't think I could."

He half-smiled back. "I love you, Jyou."

"I know."

"And I won't do anything while I'm gone."

I raised my eyebrows. "You promise?"

His eyes sparkled. "I promise."

* * *

**A/N: ****Well, that was probably the most dysfunctional thing I've ever written. I never shipped these two, but DO I EVER NOW. Man. I would hope they had a better relationship than this one…but hey, it is what it is.**

**Like I said in part one, DON'T HATE IZZY. I'm writing another story with Izzy in it (which has died for a while...but it will be resurrected, now that I'm done with this one!), so don't equate this Izzy with that one.**

**...you know, if you read the other one. Which would be cool.  
**

**R+R lovelies! It would be much appreciated! Love you all!  
**


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